Lesson One.

Everything started innocent enough. One evening I wanted only to spend a fabulous dinner date with a great girlfriend of mine Kristen. Kristen and I worked together in a past life as waitresses and managed to come out unscathed enough to form a great friendship. Turned out, we had a great deal in common and were unashamed in conversations of our male conquests and conquerors… Unfortunately though we actually love the restaurant we met at and continue to eat there constantly (luckily they have multiple locations so we are never at the one we worked at!). One day, however, the stars decided to align on our behalf. Enter Steve. He is a manager at “Pablanos”, and Kristen had the pleasure of working with him well after my last day. Post introductions and shooting the breeze, the topic of boys in our lives magically arose, as it always does. The difference however was that this time the piece of the frustrating puzzle that was always missing was, at last, part of the conversation… a real, live, once-upon-a boy…
Steve’s introductory lesson was fairly simple. Too simple. He told us first and foremost that, as we know, women think entirely too much and guys just are not built that way. Average boys’ behavior, thoughts, and impulses can ultimately be due to three simple things at all times. “Steve,” I said. “That is simply not possible.” But he insisted. “With few exceptions I assure you it all can be tied to three things.” Waiting with bated breath for the three life changing insights he says, without flinching or hint of sarcasm, “Eating, pooping, and screwing,” along with hand gestures that I will leave to the imagination. And from there the questions started flying. Kristen and I hurled him snippets of past experiences all of which he was able to tie to the baser needs of males with great ease. I could not believe what I had before me; a male willing to share all the secrets that I have been trying to find out my whole life.
With a second wind and new lease on the dating life, we brought Steve up to date. While a couple of boys had flown onto the radar for me, nobody of special interest was around and Kristen was just starting to see Dick* (names have been changed to protect the guilty). Dick, a manager of a chain restaurant himself, is a well groomed 30-something into baseball and better than average looking. Things started between Kristen and Dick when a mutual friend set them up, wrongfully assuming two single people make an automatic good match perhaps, but intentions were good. Quite honestly things started out quite well with Dick, but they had only had a couple dates at this point. Nothing had yet gone wrong, but we were starting to analyze each of their dates to draw conclusions about Dick’s intentions. Steve gave us simple encouragement for the coming week (as I too had a date planned). We were to go on dates and stop reading into every little thing. “Stop wasting time thinking so much and just enjoy something new!” He firmly believes that the best time in even a long term relationship is the beginning awkward phase, and we should embrace it. So, that is what we set out to do, girded with the truth we were all set. I knew things from here on out would be a breeze, or so I presumed. But, as you may have guessed, it would not be this simple at all…

It's a Boys World. I just live in it.

As I approach my 25th birthday, a whole quarter century, I’m compelled (maybe due to society, peer family pressure I don’t know) to think about what’s my life so far or at least everything that’s been accomplished. Living on my own yet? Check. Complete graduate school? Check. Gainfully employed? Not gainfully but I think it’s still a check. Married? Serious relationship? Dating? That check box is empty. No big deal, right? One would think that having 3 out of 4 boxes would be good enough; 75% is a passing grade last I checked… but unfortunately it’s the only box people seem to notice. It’s not their fault. I find myself caught up doing the same thing all the time. Actually, I’m fairly certain it’s all I’ve been doing since the second grade. Boys, boys, BOYS! Even when I’m in reality, which I switch to quite often, that I do not need a boy and absolutely love my single life, I still find myself checking out that intriguing boy across… whatever room I’m in.
When a boy (and I do say boy on purpose having not quite found a man yet) does a stupid thing and I honestly and truly find him repulsive, he still finds his way all up in my head leaving me pensive and pondering why I’m still thinking about him. Shameful. This would all be well and good if a boy- any of the millions of them over these years- found himself doing the same thing. But they don’t. Boys never do. They don’t think about anything, especially not the young women that stay up late talking to their girlfriends about them seeking out advice and a window into a boy’s mind. And even though I had never witnessed said window or anyone who had ever seen that window, I was hopeful there must be one.
Then one day, like most things that show up when you stop looking, I caught a glimpse of the window. And I saw it when a 39 year old man named Steve pulled back the curtain and showed it to me. This blog will rewind a couple months to my first meeting with Steve that turned into weekly meetings and then I’ll bring you up to our most recent “therapy session.” Sessions about his years of being a boy and what it all means. I realize that this means I am still spending a lot of time talking about boys, but I’m no longer going to deny or try to pretend I don’t do it. With such admission, I figure I might as well do it as healthfully as possible and gets some answers. Week after week I brought Steve my current situation with a boy and he would tell me what to expect or not to expect and take boy behavior and statements and translate it into women talk. Oh yeah ladies… I struck gold. And I’m sharing the wealth.