Everything started innocent enough. One evening I wanted only to spend a fabulous dinner date with a great girlfriend of mine Kristen. Kristen and I worked together in a past life as waitresses and managed to come out unscathed enough to form a great friendship. Turned out, we had a great deal in common and were unashamed in conversations of our male conquests and conquerors… Unfortunately though we actually love the restaurant we met at and continue to eat there constantly (luckily they have multiple locations so we are never at the one we worked at!). One day, however, the stars decided to align on our behalf. Enter Steve. He is a manager at “Pablanos”, and Kristen had the pleasure of working with him well after my last day. Post introductions and shooting the breeze, the topic of boys in our lives magically arose, as it always does. The difference however was that this time the piece of the frustrating puzzle that was always missing was, at last, part of the conversation… a real, live, once-upon-a boy…
Steve’s introductory lesson was fairly simple. Too simple. He told us first and foremost that, as we know, women think entirely too much and guys just are not built that way. Average boys’ behavior, thoughts, and impulses can ultimately be due to three simple things at all times. “Steve,” I said. “That is simply not possible.” But he insisted. “With few exceptions I assure you it all can be tied to three things.” Waiting with bated breath for the three life changing insights he says, without flinching or hint of sarcasm, “Eating, pooping, and screwing,” along with hand gestures that I will leave to the imagination. And from there the questions started flying. Kristen and I hurled him snippets of past experiences all of which he was able to tie to the baser needs of males with great ease. I could not believe what I had before me; a male willing to share all the secrets that I have been trying to find out my whole life.
With a second wind and new lease on the dating life, we brought Steve up to date. While a couple of boys had flown onto the radar for me, nobody of special interest was around and Kristen was just starting to see Dick* (names have been changed to protect the guilty). Dick, a manager of a chain restaurant himself, is a well groomed 30-something into baseball and better than average looking. Things started between Kristen and Dick when a mutual friend set them up, wrongfully assuming two single people make an automatic good match perhaps, but intentions were good. Quite honestly things started out quite well with Dick, but they had only had a couple dates at this point. Nothing had yet gone wrong, but we were starting to analyze each of their dates to draw conclusions about Dick’s intentions. Steve gave us simple encouragement for the coming week (as I too had a date planned). We were to go on dates and stop reading into every little thing. “Stop wasting time thinking so much and just enjoy something new!” He firmly believes that the best time in even a long term relationship is the beginning awkward phase, and we should embrace it. So, that is what we set out to do, girded with the truth we were all set. I knew things from here on out would be a breeze, or so I presumed. But, as you may have guessed, it would not be this simple at all…
