My Own Worst Enemy

In my dating adventures things were unusually calm, and it was taking all I had to appreciate it and do my part to make sure things stayed that way. Kristen, too, was having a fairly good time as well, with some reservations. We were still concerned that Dick didn’t seem too anxious to have any physical connection with Kristen. Now, I know how this seems, we women are never happy- when physical is all a boy wants, we think he’s a pig; if he doesn’t we think something is wrong… Well it’s true, and Steve affirmed it. Kristen wasn’t looking for hours of cuddle time or endless make-out sessions (well she kind of was) just a gesture that he found her attractive and was constantly fighting his manly urge to attack her. There didn’t seem to be even the mildest form of this. He was very take it or leave it. Again, Steve felt there may be an explanation. Some guys (Steve included) have experiences of being falsely accused of assault and sexual aggression (i.e. “the girl who cried ____”) and if so they become extremely timid about making a first move. Therefore, it became Kristen’s responsibility to let him know it was okay… by making the move herself. And, in accordance with one of the many things I love about Kristen, she was willing to do this. They’d be getting it on by week’s end. Problem solved.

With my situation uneventful, I thought it necessary to still glean as much as possible from dinner time with Steve. There was another subject that I had yet to broach with a male, so I figured that was as good a time as any. I have a history of allowing myself to believe that it is always something I did or did not do that caused relations to go awry. It is with this mindset that I questioned Steve about cheating. My last boyfriend was a cheater, which is a big part of my lack of trust and constant suspicion that boys in general are up to no good. Jared and I never belonged together to begin with. Before we started dating officially I was already looking for the end date, knowing it was never going anywhere too long term. Still, I felt I tried my best to be a good girlfriend and enjoy it for what it was while it was. There was always something though. He was awful. I put up with it. That was my mistake.

But I suppose my confusion has always come because I genuinely do not see the purpose in cheating. My honest feeling is that if you want to cheat on me, you don’t like me enough. So break up with me first THEN go find your sketchy friend to hook you up with some random skank, go back to her place, sleep with her and catch her 13 STDs that are not even diagnosable and die a slow, painful, not-fit-for-TV death. But those are just some thoughts. I was just questioning what I did wrong to make him want to cheat. What could I have done that was so awful that he would betray me? I just don’t want to repeat it… Steve, as usual, was pretty profound (to me anyway). He said, “You didn’t do anything wrong. When someone cheats they are the ones with the problem and often even if you were blameless the whole time you were in a relationship a Cheater will cheat on you anyway. Women created the idea that they are responsible for everything bad that’s gone one. You all feed that to each other by asking why you didn’t see signs and ‘how could you not see the clues?’ There are no clues! He’s an ass. End of story! You would all do yourselves a favor if you would stop treating each other like you’re part of the problem. The guy is the problem. There no signs, no tricks, no therapeutic interventions. Nothing. If a guy wants to cheat, he will.” This conversation was so liberating for me; it was everything that I thought but needed confirmed. Because it is so true, that we think we are being good friends by helping each other think over "what you could have done differently." And the reality is that we are making it all worse! I think it was P!nk who said it best, “I’m a hazard to myself, don’t let me get me.” So I won’t anymore. I will own what I do wrong, but if a boy does something that’s all on him… Until it’s all about me again, of course.

Red flags and Mysteries

First this is a formal apology for the delay in a post... Now to the
goods.

The next week Kristen was really proud of herself and I was a bit
ashamed. She listened to Steve and had been doing great with Dick (no
pun intended) while I found myself forgetting the first homework
assignment before I began. I met Bobby through a friend. At first
meeting I was completely uninterested, but as frequently happens... I
was swayed by a good reputation and a positive recommendation...
always the bait and switch. A girl can go from ambivalent to overly
curious in moments. But Bobby did have himself a great reputation and
had a lot more going for him than some of my more recent suitors. He also had many of the qualities that I, in my strange taste, find appealing: taller, socially awkward, reserved and the other things that I should not be drawn to in and of themselves... All of this together had me reading into simple text messages, chastising myself for things I'd said on our dates (two in the first week!) and interrogating the friend that set us up.
All the while Kristen remained calm, cool and collected talking with ease about the great
baseball game she and Dick went to and dinner dates they enjoyed. On
top of that Dick was a perfect gentleman. Kristen had gone over to his
place and when "situations" were progressing, Dick had been the one to
put on the brakes and suggest going a bit slower. He was great.
That week we met with Steve and I confessed my failure to comply with
his assignment and my struggles. Kristen was able to share her
perseverance an how positive it seemed to be playing out. After
sharing with Steve about Bobby he again suggested I calm down. He
confirmed Bobby was a really nice guy that had genuine interest. He
wouldn't be confirming the next date or seeing me more than once in a
week if he wasn't.
Still wanting to confirm that I hadn't done anything vile yet, I
requested Steve to share some absolute no-no's for first dates. He
obliged with the following:
"The things that scares guys
(and note many guys wake up like I'm going to find my wife)
Worst ever? Talk about other men is a red flag to men and second is two
fold...
Talking about your negative professional life Or talking too much
about how well you're doing." Guys don't want to see you being a
negative Nancy but also are hard wired to be uncomfortable with a
woman doing very well in their career. It's intimidating and guys
always want to feel more secure and confident in their work than the
lady in their life is. I was soothed for the moment since i hadn't
done these things and forced myself to relax. Kristen gave Steve her
updates beaming over Dick's chivalry. Steve didn't seem quite as
impressed. He was pleased that Dick was being nice but found it
mysterious that a guy would put on the brakes when he had access to the
gas pedal... Steve assessed that perhaps Dick was shy and lacked
confidence so maybe Kristen should take the reins at the next
opportunity just to see what happens.
In print this is all so easy but it never plays out that way...

Lesson One.

Everything started innocent enough. One evening I wanted only to spend a fabulous dinner date with a great girlfriend of mine Kristen. Kristen and I worked together in a past life as waitresses and managed to come out unscathed enough to form a great friendship. Turned out, we had a great deal in common and were unashamed in conversations of our male conquests and conquerors… Unfortunately though we actually love the restaurant we met at and continue to eat there constantly (luckily they have multiple locations so we are never at the one we worked at!). One day, however, the stars decided to align on our behalf. Enter Steve. He is a manager at “Pablanos”, and Kristen had the pleasure of working with him well after my last day. Post introductions and shooting the breeze, the topic of boys in our lives magically arose, as it always does. The difference however was that this time the piece of the frustrating puzzle that was always missing was, at last, part of the conversation… a real, live, once-upon-a boy…
Steve’s introductory lesson was fairly simple. Too simple. He told us first and foremost that, as we know, women think entirely too much and guys just are not built that way. Average boys’ behavior, thoughts, and impulses can ultimately be due to three simple things at all times. “Steve,” I said. “That is simply not possible.” But he insisted. “With few exceptions I assure you it all can be tied to three things.” Waiting with bated breath for the three life changing insights he says, without flinching or hint of sarcasm, “Eating, pooping, and screwing,” along with hand gestures that I will leave to the imagination. And from there the questions started flying. Kristen and I hurled him snippets of past experiences all of which he was able to tie to the baser needs of males with great ease. I could not believe what I had before me; a male willing to share all the secrets that I have been trying to find out my whole life.
With a second wind and new lease on the dating life, we brought Steve up to date. While a couple of boys had flown onto the radar for me, nobody of special interest was around and Kristen was just starting to see Dick* (names have been changed to protect the guilty). Dick, a manager of a chain restaurant himself, is a well groomed 30-something into baseball and better than average looking. Things started between Kristen and Dick when a mutual friend set them up, wrongfully assuming two single people make an automatic good match perhaps, but intentions were good. Quite honestly things started out quite well with Dick, but they had only had a couple dates at this point. Nothing had yet gone wrong, but we were starting to analyze each of their dates to draw conclusions about Dick’s intentions. Steve gave us simple encouragement for the coming week (as I too had a date planned). We were to go on dates and stop reading into every little thing. “Stop wasting time thinking so much and just enjoy something new!” He firmly believes that the best time in even a long term relationship is the beginning awkward phase, and we should embrace it. So, that is what we set out to do, girded with the truth we were all set. I knew things from here on out would be a breeze, or so I presumed. But, as you may have guessed, it would not be this simple at all…

It's a Boys World. I just live in it.

As I approach my 25th birthday, a whole quarter century, I’m compelled (maybe due to society, peer family pressure I don’t know) to think about what’s my life so far or at least everything that’s been accomplished. Living on my own yet? Check. Complete graduate school? Check. Gainfully employed? Not gainfully but I think it’s still a check. Married? Serious relationship? Dating? That check box is empty. No big deal, right? One would think that having 3 out of 4 boxes would be good enough; 75% is a passing grade last I checked… but unfortunately it’s the only box people seem to notice. It’s not their fault. I find myself caught up doing the same thing all the time. Actually, I’m fairly certain it’s all I’ve been doing since the second grade. Boys, boys, BOYS! Even when I’m in reality, which I switch to quite often, that I do not need a boy and absolutely love my single life, I still find myself checking out that intriguing boy across… whatever room I’m in.
When a boy (and I do say boy on purpose having not quite found a man yet) does a stupid thing and I honestly and truly find him repulsive, he still finds his way all up in my head leaving me pensive and pondering why I’m still thinking about him. Shameful. This would all be well and good if a boy- any of the millions of them over these years- found himself doing the same thing. But they don’t. Boys never do. They don’t think about anything, especially not the young women that stay up late talking to their girlfriends about them seeking out advice and a window into a boy’s mind. And even though I had never witnessed said window or anyone who had ever seen that window, I was hopeful there must be one.
Then one day, like most things that show up when you stop looking, I caught a glimpse of the window. And I saw it when a 39 year old man named Steve pulled back the curtain and showed it to me. This blog will rewind a couple months to my first meeting with Steve that turned into weekly meetings and then I’ll bring you up to our most recent “therapy session.” Sessions about his years of being a boy and what it all means. I realize that this means I am still spending a lot of time talking about boys, but I’m no longer going to deny or try to pretend I don’t do it. With such admission, I figure I might as well do it as healthfully as possible and gets some answers. Week after week I brought Steve my current situation with a boy and he would tell me what to expect or not to expect and take boy behavior and statements and translate it into women talk. Oh yeah ladies… I struck gold. And I’m sharing the wealth.